Good evening my minions,
Tonight marks my last full day of vacation at my hometown in Indiana. I find myself feeling contemplative, looking at recent realizations and talks with friends while I’ve been on vacation. I’ve been struggling with the idea of putting out some recent poetry I’ve written. The thing about poetry and rap is that it typically comes from a place of deep emotion or feelings. Some of the things that were going through my mind when the inspiration for one of my most recent pieces hit me? Well those feelings and emotions popped up at the worst possible time.
I was at one of my best friends’ wedding as his best man. While there and throughout the rest of the night the emotions and feelings came to me. Let’s just say sober me wouldn’t have been able to puzzle out logically how I was feeling about things. I find that sometimes you have to drink on problems to be able to look at things objectively. A rather ironic statement I realize, but true nonetheless.
It’s truly incredible what trauma can do to a person. Personally, over the last few years I’ve realized I have an issue being vulnerable with my heart. There’s a reason dealing with your emotions in the present is so important, it’s exactly the same as with why you don’t leave food stuck to dishes. It gets stuck and then becomes a rather specific kind of pain to dislodge. Emotions and psychology are obviously more complicated than doing dishes. My point remains though, if you don’t deal with issues when they pop up, the become vastly more difficult to deal with later.
An example of this for me can literally be pulled from an NF song… “And I know it hurts knowin’ that I carry this weight on my chest. Making it difficult for me to open up and connect…” I mean, accurate. Over the years I’ve just subconsciously accepted that there’s times where my feelings don’t REAALLY matter that much, at that particular time. Over the years I’ve repeated that exact mental thought process until I had just emotionally suppressed feelings or emotions about specific things.
I’d like to emphasize due to my own experiences and understanding this ISN’T HEALTHY. The way of processing emotions has changed drastically over the years for me. Writing has been among the biggest tools I’ve used in my adult life to process and work through trauma and difficult emotional storms. In the last two years I’ve learned that I have a right to my feelings and emotions about certain things.
To quote my poetry and writing professor from college “Show don’t tell” so, without further ado I present “Midnight Hotel Musings”
Pressed suit hangs in closet, speech saved to phone.
Surrounded by friends, somehow still feeling alone.
It’s chaos and cobwebs within mental mansion; yet still, I manage a smile.
Wedding bands held, within pocket secure.
Rotating LP thoughts?
Becoming ever less demure.
Rings presented, vows exchanged.
Two more friends married while chaotic feelings race.
Happiness, joy even at these two now wed.
Yet dull ache remains, knowing; everyone else here shares both heart and bed with another.
Whiskey poured, then downed with ease.
Bourbon and bud helping mind wander free.
Intoxicated and internally honest with how I really feel.
High in hotel hallway, juggling feelings like eggs.
Cautiously analyzing feelings internally, while reveling in the merriment and joy.
Emotions shouting loudly within, like Dr. McCoy in mental medbay.
Libations imbibed while emotions analyzed.
Logical conclusion reached, Spock would be proud.
You can be happy, joyous even for friends.
It’s okay to feel alone at the same time too.
I think this piece is self explanatory. It’s okay to feel how you feel y’all, don’t let anyone tell you different. Just like jet lag, sometimes you get emotional processing lag. Sometimes, if you’re like me? You write about it. I actually started this poem weeks previous to my friend’s wedding, I just finished it yesterday. You can’t rush the processing of emotions not in a healthy way anyways.
Be kind to yourselves y’all. To quote the late Master Bruce Lee “Don’t speak negatively about yourself, even as a joke. Your body doesn’t know the difference. Words are energy and cast spells, that’s why it’s called spelling.”
As always my friends, Rapha Yada.
~ Richard
Holy Water, Burning Man 