How’s it going y’all? So we’re in a new year now and look at the craziness…. New Year’s Eve last year I had something happen. Actually a few things happened and it’s taken until now for me to write about it and my thoughts. I struggle with mental illness; however over the last year or so I came to the understanding through reading books on the subject that a diagnosis I’ve carried for years was incorrect.
Mental healthcare in general has a huge stigma associated with it. My previous diagnosis was Bipolar Disorder, and there’s a huge stigma with that. Whether or not people realize it… See if you get genuinely angry about something you’re “being manic” or “ruining the mood”… Come to find out though through my own research that I never had Bipolar at all. Rather I have PTSD, due to family trauma mostly. People think flashbacks in the terms of PTSD is huddling in a corner to hide away from the memories or whatever.
That’s…..not how that works. At least not with me, people need to begin understanding that mental health issues present in a variety of different ways. For me? With PTSD memories, my personality shifts from happy and upbeat to guarded, and at times angry. Down to “I’m fine” statements. Interestingly PTSD presents similarly to Bipolar, I can see why the person who made the incorrect diagnosis made that diagnosis the way they did. It’s still not an excuse and I still ended up hearing things like “Stop being so crazy, why are you acting all bipolar?”
See….Bipolar has a MASSIVE stigma associated with that diagnosis. You’re unstable. That’s how society looks at you, or other people for that matter. Whereas now? Having had that diagnosis rectified with a new Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner I feel hope…. See the diagnosis of PTSD everyone associates with soldiers, cops, etc. Nobody thinks of the teenage kid with raging hormones that grew up while carrying the weight of painful memories from parents, divorce, etc.
There’s much less of a stigma associated with PTSD…..not that I go around telling everyone about it in my day-to-day life. I feel more myself having had that adjusted in my medical charts and whatnot. I’ve done a lot of thinking about stigmas and changing them about myself. However I think it’s also within my power to point out to other people how help fix ourselves.
I had a friend, she was actually supposed to be my new roommate when I moved to the area I’m in now. She also had some past trauma and on top of that had the propensity for overthinking EVERYTHING. In need of constant reassurance rather than simply owning the fact that she’s her. Insecurities and all. This person is sweet enough, however I had/have a problem with the fact that her anxiety literally ruined a friendship. Whenever we’d hang out she’d ALWAYS be spending over thirty minutes on the phone with other people making all kinds of other plans. While I was right there….
No asking hey man, wanna come hang out? No consideration for the fact that I’m literally right there trying to hang with a friend. Meanwhile you’re planning to go hiking with your friend and her kid while I’m literally right next to you. It all came to a head when I texted her to see what was up, then said I’d check back in when she wasn’t busy.
It all came down to my telling her that even when you’re hanging out with me you’re never spending time with your friend. You’re always on the phone, and it hurts because you’re literally making me your placeholder until something better comes along. I reached out to tell her I wasn’t mad but that we should both be trying to communicate better and take other people’s consideration into the equation. However I found out she’d blocked me.
Which to be honest? Sucks for her more than anything else. I’m one of those friends that I give you my all and I’ll help if I can. However over the years, I’ve developed more self-respect than I once thought possible. I realize that mental healthcare issues don’t define you. Doctors? They screw up. I got things squared and set MY record straight. I have PTSD, and I’m proud of the struggles I’ve gone through. Which continue shaping the kind of man I’ll be.
There’s something that I and my brother once spoke while practicing Taekwondo. At the end of the class we said “Sir/Ma’am, I shall live with perseverance in the spirit of Taekwondo; having honor with others, integrity within myself and self control in my actions, sir/ma’am” Then we’d come to attention, bow, then leave the mat. I haven’t practiced Taekwondo in a good while…. however these are still tenets I try living by. Honor with others, integrity of self, and taking responsibility for your own actions.
I think personally, that after you go through trauma or traumatic events you get to eventually look back on it. At that point? That’s when learning and healing begins. Running from your problems and your past is unfortunately never going to work. Your problems, your past, your responsibility to face it. There’s a quote I reference frequently in regards to fear.
Fear can, if you let it prevent change. I refuse to live my life in fear. I keep writing, keep setting goals which are attainable. Keep living my life….After all…Time is inescapable; better we spend ours well.
I’ll be releasing some new poetry here in the next week and I think personally this poetry book manuscript is coming together quite nicely. I still don’t have a complete manuscript, however we’re up to 71 pages and I’m still writing.
For now my friends? I’m more or less at peace. I hope our new year of 2021 proves to be more hopeful, however don’t forget….We’re all responsible for bringing a lil’ hope to others too.
Rapha Yada my friends,
Richard
Holy Water, Burning Man 