What’s up y’all? So as you’re all aware if you’ve been following my blog recently I’m in the midst of transcribing previously written poetry into a first draft of a manuscript, which is going well by the way. Along the way I’ve been coming along some old relics of poetry and other collected writings. In the process of doing so I actually stumbled across a series of essays I wrote for a college class I took several years ago.
With everything going on in the world and people “keeping their emotions in check” I decided it might be a good idea to share one of these essays. Keep in mind, this was written four years ago when I was twenty-five years old. Still not sure how much I really know about life…
However as I read back through this essay I was struck at the fact that it’s an enduring essay. Just as applicable and thought-provoking as when I wrote it. In any event I’d like to share this essay with y’all. I’m doing a copy and paste here from the backup I have. I encourage everyone following me on my blog or elsewhere to share this around. I think it’s time for some provocation of thought in the world.
Additionally I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my professor Jim Irons for instilling in me the fact that writing evolves as does your way of doing so. Several of his favorite quotes are still applicable today, he was fond of referencing Ezra Pound. Two of his favorite quotes by Ezra Pound were “Make it new!” and “It’s all too damn loud!”
Thank you Jim, for helping stir the pot of creativity in my head. You helped inspire me to keep writing no matter what. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better at editing and revising. Much fewer cliches now but even if there are, just have to make it new as Mr. Pound advised.
I hope y’all have a great day and peace be with you.
Rapha Yada my friends.
Richard Cady
Jim Irons
Engl Comp 101
14 April 2016
Real Men Do Cry
“Act like a man!” I’ve heard this statement so much throughout my life that it’s nauseating. What’s more nauseating though is the fact that our culture blindly accepts things like “real men don’t cry.” This statement is garbage. Real men do in fact cry, real men do in fact show emotion and care about more than just grabbing a beer with the boys. It’s sad to me that in high schools nationwide the idea of “real men don’t cry” and “act like a man” have for the most part ruined being able to have a healthy relationship. As men we’re no longer able to relate to our girlfriends, wives, or family we care about. By embracing the idea of “acting like a man” we’ve fled from what being a man actually is.
Being a man means being in touch with our emotions and accepting that we’re not doing ok; which is in fact ok. We’ve as men worn the masks for so long they’ve become part of us. They enslave us and it’s time to like a man. Crush those masks, those ideas of “what a man is” under our boots. The time has come for us to define who we are as men rather than saying “act like a man” and enslaving another generation of young men to the same thing we struggled with. Time to legitimately “man up” and define for ourselves who we are as men.
Never let them see you hurting. Embrace the masks. The repetition of these thoughts leads to a dumpster fire in terms of ideology. Some of the biggest problems we as men face in society nowadays are these idiotic ideas that we have to hide all emotion. God forbid anyone you know knew that you actually cared or had feelings; the world obviously would come to an end. The thing that culture seems to have drowned out as background noise is that embracing our emotions and being sensitive guys actually works out for the best. It allows for more creativity; it allows us to build friendships that last, and perhaps most importantly as men it allows for us to connect with and understand women better. I for one don’t mind people knowing that I feel deeply about some things, I’m concerned for people that I care about. Because it proves that I’m a human being that cares about people other than myself. The uselessly outdated idea that “real men don’t cry” or “never let them see you hurting” needs to stop.
Part of the reason why the socially influenced and culturally accepted ideology of real men don’t cry or show emotion doesn’t sit well with me is one of the shortest verses in The Bible found in John 11:35 “Jesus wept.” As a Christian man this to me at least shatters the idea that “real men don’t cry.” Going further with that though. John 11:34-36 states “Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” These three verses not only shatter the idea that “real men don’t cry” it illustrates how a real man can both weep openly about the loss of a friend as well show real genuine emotion.
I believe that the culturally accepted belief that real men don’t cry or show emotion is a societal weakness. It leads to an end result of men feeling like they need to be mute as a stone; we can’t share our feelings or we’re put down as “weak.” This causes problems not just on a personal but a societal level. Speaking for myself the experience of acting like a “real man” led to problems for me interacting with others; my personal relationships suffered because I’d been culturally trained to not be open with others. I didn’t have many friends in high school simply due to the fact that any response I had for any given topic had emotional attachments to those topics. Showing emotion equaled out to a rejection letter stating “needs more work to fit in.”
Fast forward to now. As a college student I’m being asked by professors, friends, family etc. What’s your opinion? What do you think about this topic? I’m being invited to share my feelings and emotional viewpoints on different topics. The ideology that men don’t cry or show genuine emotion, let alone their opinions fearing backlash of what others may or may not think, has only now started losing its hold on me.
I believe there’s a mistake in yelling at your child when they need encouragement and not judgmental idiocy. That is the age when children begin to question, “Is it wrong to cry, to feel, to show that I feel?” The phrases of rub some dirt on it, act like a man, and many others along with the impressionable age of these children unbeknownst or not shapes in large part how these young children “need” to behave for the rest of their lives. William Pollack, PhD states “Many experts believe that one major reason you rarely see a man shed a tear is because that’s the way he was raised. Boys are taught to react differently from girls right from the start.”
The common phrasing of I’m an adult with a child’s mindset is all too true. We age physically but mentally there’s some part of us that still thinks on a subconscious level, “Is it wrong to cry, to feel, and show that I feel?” It took me years of battling this sick, twisted ideology until I accepted and embraced the fact that real men do in fact show emotion, we do in fact cry. Personally I think that embodies the idea of what strength really is.
According to David Zinczenko, Researchers tell us that one reason women live 7 years longer than men is because they are more in touch with their emotions. Bottling up our anger, our remorse, even our joy, can put us at risk of everything from heart disease to obesity to stroke to suicide. To me being real enough with ourselves to be ok with crying and showing genuine emotion, that’s what being a strong man is. No matter what anyone else says the only person that can define who you are, how strong you are, or what you’ll be as a man is yourself. The media, our school friends, parents, and so many others can say all day long “rub some dirt on it, be a man, etc.” But the kicker is that it’s up to each individual person to define for themselves what kind of man we want to be.
We’re told from a fairly early age everything from rub some dirt on it to quit being a crybaby. As kids our emotions, feelings, and yes tears are stomped down and buried deep within us. We keep these things buried until we decide to embrace these things that are still manly and that yes, make us human. As for me having dealt with this personally and finally realizing that “being a man” meant making my own decisions. I’ve decided that there’s a time to speak, a time to cry, a time to dance and wonder why, a time to define myself on my own terms. I’ve decided that to be the strongest version of myself means being in touch with the emotional side of myself.
Being a man is more than hitting the gym six days out of the week. It’s more than putting on a show and wearing masks that say “nothing bothers me everything is grand.” Being a man is being strong enough to be vulnerable. It’s being in touch with your feelings and emotions both and being open enough and close enough with good friends to share those things with them. It’s growing together, struggling together, being open with each other. Culturally accepted or not my idea of being a man means rejecting what society, culture, and even other people expect from us and defining myself as a man on my terms. If that means I’m in touch with my feelings and emotions? So be it. I figure that counts as being pretty manly.
Works Cited
Zinczenko, David. “I Second That Emotion.” Men’s Health, Oct. 2006. Web. 10 April 2016
Trench, Brooke Le Poer. “Why Do Guys Never Cry?.” Cosmoplitan 240.1 (2006) MasterFILE Premier. Web 14 April 2016
New International Version. Blue Letter Bible, Web. 14 April 2016
Holy Water, Burning Man 