What’s going on y’all? I just finished another work week today. A lil’ early due to 4th of July weekend. May or not be fireworks shows going off this year due to COVID-19 but it seems that for the past several years I always seem to learn something profound about life around the 4th.
This year I realized that I have the possibility of being a jealous person. Not out of malice or hatred mind you. From insecurity; everyone I’ve ever dated or been interested in has low key or outright said or done something that’s belittled me.
I’ve been made to feel like I’m not enough repeatedly; to the point that now? Even though I know I’m enough; I compare myself to what that potential partners could have instead of me.
Probably vastly unhealthy but at least I realize it’s a storm my mind has to navigate. It’s kinda an obnoxious storm too because the woman I’m interested in, the one I took to dinner?
I know she’d never be judgemental of me like that. She’s much better educated than me book wise for sure and yet nothing feels forced. She’s never made me feel judged or like what I had to say didn’t matter, truly an incredible woman.
There’s quite few country songs that’ve been on repeat in my head recently. Homesick by Kane Brown, Downtown’s Dead and Sinning with you by Sam Hunt. Then Gravity and Slow Dancing In A Burning room by John Mayer.
Lots of great lyrics in those songs; one I like from a separate song is “I may not know what love is, but I know what it ain’t.” Eli Young Band.
If anything, I’ve learned how to treat women based off of being mistreated in relationships myself. I know the hurt and pain very well. I’m vastly defensive of whoever I’m interested in because I don’t want them to ever feel like there’s nobody to have my back. It’s a deep, primal, protective instinct for me.
I guess right now I’m just wrestling with the idea of am I enough? You ARE enough. It’s amazing how dealing with past trauma helps shape you into a better person than you could’ve hoped to be otherwise. Guess I need to take the advice of God and what I sign these posts with.
Rapha Yada my friends,
Be Still and Know.
~Richard
Holy Water, Burning Man 