What’s up y’all? I feel like it’s been a few days since I posted anything on here. Maybe it’s just due to all this isolation, in any case I wanted to share some thoughts with y’all. So as y’all are aware there’s a particular woman that’s been occupying my thoughts off and on for awhile now.
I had to talk to a few friends today about my feelings regarding my developing feelings. For the first time in awhile I sought out the council of other Christians regarding the judgement of my developing feelings. Personally I think they gave me incredibly solid advice.
I think that first and foremost people should seek God’s will regarding relationships and emotions. Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” I mean….I don’t disagree. My previous experience with relationships isn’t exactly a glamorous or even good for that matter. Far better to seek Godly council and then follow said council while paying attention to your emotions.
I’m not sure if y’all have seen The Mentalist or not but the show is about this sort of crime fighting unit. They have the boss of the unit agent Theresa Lisbon along with several other agents. The main protagonist is former “psychic” Patrick Jane. A sarcastic, witty, and overall amazingly amusing character. However he’s a high functioning clown who’s absolutely traumatized.
Patrick Jane had his wife and daughter murdered by a serial killer known as Red John. I never finished the series and I’m simply going through and watching it all the way through for the first time now. There’s a couple things that have popped at me so far in this series.
Patrick is helping investigate yet another murder and one of the murder suspects is a woman claiming to be a psychic. Patrick clearly doesn’t believe this and looks down upon it throughout the whole episode. In the end of the episode the psychic woman comes back and talks to Patrick alone. Telling him something about his wife and daughters murder to bring him some sort of peace I think.
After she leaves the room you can see Patrick break down briefly and cry. Keep in mind this is a character who’s known for perhaps gallows humor or slightly extravagant antics. He’s a source of humor, however in that moment you see him as all men have a right to feel. Utterly broken on the inside.
I feel like perhaps I’m a bit like Patrick Jane. He’s bit of a showman, however he’s also brilliant. Personally I don’t think I’m very book smart in comparison to most people my age or older. I wasn’t exactly a very good student, in college I had absolutely abysmal study habits. Yet, most of my experience in anything related to real life? It all came from the school of hard knocks.
My life hasn’t exactly been easy. People think that coming from money means everything is just grand all the time. Trust me when I say that even though you grow up in upper middle class household there’s a lot of demons in those big houses everyone wants. For ten YEARS, a solid decade. Nobody in my family knew I dealt with self-harm. Admittedly I never told anyone either.
It didn’t help my case that I never talked about it. Also I was living in Idaho at the time and it’s not like my dad could fly in every day and notice the slice marks on my arms. Even if he did I was living with my mom who was in many ways adding to the emotional turmoil I felt. You can only deal with other people’s emotional baggage for so long before you have emotional over flow of your own.
Many more things I could say here, however I’ll say my dad certainly was not provided the opportunity to be the father my brother or I wanted when we were younger. He was working a lot while we were growing up and while I used to have some issues with that. I understand as well that with mortgages and such there is a definite adult responsibility too. Thankfully this has changed. My father and I now enjoy a much healthier relationship than what I had growing up and I’m incredibly thankful for that.
Admittedly my interactions with the blessed mother didn’t improve my relationship with my dad. Personally I feel like it in fact hindered it, in a variety of ways. It’s not a fair thing for divorced parents to superimpose their views onto their children. I highly suggest against this, this WILL cause issues with your kids.
Next questions y’all may be wondering about I’d imagine is something to the effect of well Richard, why not tell anyone about this? Why keep it to yourself? The honest answer is that my family….not to mince words and to use a friend’s word….my family dynamic was fuckled. See thing is that there was from my perception anyways a lack of communication in ANY meaningful way between my parents while I was growing up. Mom’s a Christian and unfortunately I got a pretty crappy example.
There’s a reason scripture warns people of marrying someone who doesn’t share your faith. It can and does cause discourse over the exchanging of ideas and both people either wanting to be right. Or someone wanting to “save” their spouse. Fun fact. Not your job, obligation, or responsibility to do so. At the end of the day whatever faith your significant other chooses to practice is THEIR CHOICE. It will ALWAYS be between God and that other person.
Our egos? That has no place in the equation. We MUST realize, both as Christians and as people; that the relationship with God? It will ALWAYS be between Him and that other person. You’re literally only there as the wingman or wing woman arranging the introduction.
Back to parents, the mentalist and last but not least my emotions and developing feelings for a very special woman…Way I look at it is this.
The sins of the father or mother are THEIRS TO BEAR. Not ours, they will never be ours. Secondly I mentioned the mentalist because the character and I are incredibly similar. We’re both clowns in front of others because half the time people need a laugh, the other half they need to be distracted from their own trauma for a bit.
When we step away though? We break down, emotionally mentally etc. Thankfully there are people in my life to do for me what Patricks friend did in the show. She gently closed the door and let Patrick release his emotions with dignity and without letting anyone know about his pain. I’m incredibly blessed to have a few people in my life I can say are friends like that.
Ahhhhh and here we come to it….My developing emotions and feeling about this woman……If I’ve learned anything at all from the last few relationships in my life it’s these things. You can be overzealous in your pursuit of someone, I suggest against it personally. There’s a reason it’s called “playing it safe” however I also would say knowing who YOU ARE before a relationship or allowing feelings to start developing is an absolute imperative.
It’s a sort of grounding thing, it’s so easy to be swept away in feelings and emotions which is very dangerous emotionally. Know WHO GOD SEES YOU AS. This is who you are at the core, end of the day relationship or not this is WHO YOU ARE. It’s my view that the person you’re interested in WILL appreciate this.
Listen to the advice of others and ask both men AND women for advice. There’s a substantial benefit to asking female advice if you’re a man and male advice if you’re a female. End of the day? I’m starting to definitely realize the feelings and emotions developing are…..positive; for me I’m spiritually completely at peace with the way things are evolving. As a wise Jedi Master once said…
Right now? I’m just along for the ride, the more we try change the future the firmer it set in place. I mean……look at what happened to Anakin due to his relentless drive to change the future.
I hope y’all are stayin’ safe, I wish you and the ones you care about safety during these troubled times and joy at perhaps reconnecting.
Rapha yada my friends,
Richard
Holy Water, Burning Man 