Hey y’all, so I’ve been thinking about something recently. So before things went down with my mom to where she cut pretty much all ties with me. I’d realized something about myself and my mom. See both my mom AND dad are highly educated people. Meanwhile through some decisions made in the past I guess my parents kinda just threw in the towel and said “welp, he’s gonna do what he’s gonna do.”
Passive just like. Meh, whatever. If y’all hadn’t read through some of my earlier blog posts then you may have missed the fact that my parents weren’t exactly the best role models for what parents are supposed to be. Over the years when my mother has exhibited absolutely abysmal behavior towards my father, whether just belittling and demeaning him verbally in front of my brother and I.
Or posting about Trump being a narcissist and a liar like her ex. Now whenever I’ve been and I must point this out. RESPECTFULLY asked her to stop because it’s morally wrong and spiritually set a bad example for my faith. Almost immediately it’s been well your dad is blah blah blah. You’re just like him, a narcissistic donkey.
Now a couple things. I’m sarcastic, diabetic, adhd, etc. However narcissists? They’re predators, they take with no thought of anyone else. I’d challenge anyone to spend an hour with me and call me that and seriously mean it. The other thing? When I was younger, my brother and I used to just chill at my dad’s office playing video games until he was done for the day.
I got bored and with my curiosity began reading medical diagnostic books for mental health. Over time I learned some things, TV taught me others. See even TV shows typically have some truth to them. For example, The Mentalist or Lie to me.
Both great series and I highly recommend them. However for someone to immediately say you’re a narcissistic donkey. Immediately after being confronted with nothing but the truth or righteous anger? That’s blame shifting, along with that murder crime shows tend to say that people will shift blame onto others to appear more innocent or righteous or what have you.
Personally until today I hadn’t realized that I’ve had a problem moving forward with my faith because my mom was my example of how to be a “good Christian”. Honestly? This is why scripture tells us to listen to God. Because from where I stand my mom has kind of been excrement as an example. Sure her belief is there but how can faith flourish when you’re busy tending a garden of bitterness and resentment?
The answer is you really can’t. Look y’all, I ain’t saying I’m perfect. Far from it….Lord knows I still need a LOT of help. These are just my observations and realizations about my life and how family has affected it. I for sure am going to be talking about my dad here soon.
However as I continue moving on with my life amid this pandemic of Karens stockpiling toilet paper like the end is nigh I can’t help but feel a sense of peace about my decision to for now just let things be with my mom. I hope she can learn to let go the bitterness, resentment, and jealousy. I’ll no pretend to understand the emotions one feels after divorcing their partner of over 20 years. All I know is that I’ve learned a lot from my family’s failures.
How to be a parent for example, or at least some solid principles. Be there, show up to your kids’ practices or recitals or whatever. It to them shows you care and you support them. Y’all….wow as I’m writing this I’m trying not to break down. My experience growing up was lonely…
See I’ve got Asperger’s/ I’m on the spectrum/ however else you want to say it. Thing is I’m incredibly good at determining emotions, determining if there’s something spiritual attached to you. Before I ever really realized this gift I remember a giant 2 story house. Pool out back, hallways you could have nerf wars in, a family room so big you could have a fire going and be watching the Colts’ games on a big screen TV.
I also remember there being just a sense of coldness. Almost like…..tree branches that freeze in winter. Eventually the water in the tree branch freezes and then can explode. Problem with explosions is they’re indeterminate typically. They destroy or maim everything. That’s the sense of what’s been with/ following my mom.
At 29 I realized hey, I’m standing directly next to the frozen tree. I might oughta move myself out of the way before another explosion maims me spiritually or emotionally. I want that relationship with my mom but not at the risk of her exposing me to more of that bitterness. I look forward to the day she practices Rapha yada. Be still and KNOW. I touched on this last night but the be still part?
The Hebrew translation of rapha is to mean to be made weak, to let go to release. I mean….why be carrying emotionally traumatic things that weigh on you when you can simply release them and find peace?
Hopefully y’all are doing well. Still got a lot going through my mind but I definitely wanted to let y’all know that I’m making SOLID progress on my photography project. I realized that the scanner my roommate let me use wasn’t covering the photos over into image files. Soooooo I may have/totally did pull a Leonardo DiCaprio and photoception. Essentially I shot pictures, of the original pic pics as my brother calls them.
Tomorrow I’ll be importing the pic pics and doing some photo editing work. Then we’ll see if I’ll share samples with y’all. I may/may not y’all know how it is. Internet is a weird place. But I might 😉
Much Love in Christ; Rapha yada my friends.
Richard
Holy Water, Burning Man 