Hey y’all I know it’s been a few days at least since I’ve done anything at all with this here blog. That’s my bad, I’ve been dealing with having job types switched at the restaurant I work along with struggling financially soooo this took a backseat.
I realize that I need this. Blogging, just…..getting my thoughts out there. Too often I get stuck in my own headspace and just ruminate there. I’ve got a few things I’m looking forward to coming up. There’s the NF The Search tour coming to Boise Idaho.
As a writer, poet etc. I have a huge appreciation and respect for NF’s music. His new album The Search is amazing and just…real. Kinda his whole slogan. I just….I get stuck in my headspace and tear myself down. Comparing myself to all the other people in my life I know. Not healthy.
I’m horribly lonely, partially due to choice, partially due to my utter crap experiences with women, partly due to being devastated by the women who I did allow in my life for however brief a time they were there. Once you’ve slept with a person and I’m not talking about sex. Just sleeping next to someone you care about… Then that’s not in your life anymore?
It seriously fucks with your self-perception, your sleep, your emotional state. I try not to swear in my blog as much but there’s just no other way to describe how screwed up it feels. You (Or in this case I) lay in bed and wonder…. Wasn’t I enough? As a Christian I know I’m loved by God, I know I have people that care about me….
And yet…. It more often than not doesn’t factor into the mental equation. See that’s the issue with emotional and psychological trauma. You know logically that yes, yes you are enough. For the right people you are more than enough. Yet in your mind palace (Total Sherlock reference) there’s a room in your mind covered with pain, you keep thinking to yourself man maybe I need to re-paint.
Can’t bring yourself to do it though…. That’s me y’all. I probably pulled some song lyrics from NF. I’d say Mansion. What can I say? Dude knows what it’s like to have self-hatred and I hardcore resonate with that. To quote NF ” I ain’t gon’ walk on these stages in front of these people and act like I live my life perfectly. That doesn’t work for me, Christian is not the definition of a perfect me, woo”
I’ve got trauma, I’ve been emotionally used and abused. The thing is now I’m super sensitive to others’ pain. Lord knows I try not to inflict that kind of pain on anyone. It’s pain that hurts for a long time….
I guess….this is maybe me learning to be more honest about my pain. This? Blogging? Maybe some of y’all can resonate with what I write. I hope that one day y’all we can all love ourselves a little more. Maybe all we need is a lil’ more patience with ourselves…
Holy Water, Burning Man 