Be Still & Know…

So update in case anyone cares or wanted to know. If not, welp I’m sharing anyways. I find myself reflecting on some of my past decisions more recently. The thing is, I’ve made a lot of screwed up choices. Loved the wrong women, refused to listen to the advice of family and friends…

Now that I’m not utterly and completely focused on a girlfriend and how that wonderful woman will bring happiness into my life? (Fun fact that’s not how things work. If you aren’t happy, then a girl ain’t gonna fix that.) I’m I suppose more at peace. Not exactly sure if what I’m feeling is peace or not to be honest. I’ve kinda gone a long time without keeping things real, kinda what happens is that you get used to being fake so that other people in your life stay happy.

I mean after all, people aren’t exactly thrilled when you bring dark, real shit to their attention. Yeah I still curse, yeah I’m a Christian to quote NF “Christian is not the definition of what perfect is. This music is for more than the people that sit in the pews and pray at the churches.”

I guess I’m just getting used to the fact that my mind is a scary place, kinda probably why I don’t sleep much. I’m getting used to the idea that I’m enough. Like we get so used to trying to be good enough, smart enough , funny enough, cute enough. Just enough for OTHER people. Meanwhile we’re looking for the map to hope. Y’all seen it? (NF references again, sorry not sorry) Essentially we get so caught up in the idea we have to be ______ enough for everyone else.

I guess I’m finally getting FULLY used to and okay with the idea that I’m enough. I mean God said I was Hupernikao way back before I got my ink. Just takes time to catch up to God I guess sometimes. Like we gotta take time to fully understand the stuff He says. Especially after being used to hiding my dark thoughts and feelings for over a decade. Guess that’s what Counseling is for too huh?

Bottom line? I’ve been so focused on other people and what they have. Envy am I right? Their relationships mostly I had envy for a relationship for a long time. Took me awhile to understand that those people have things in their lives that probably aren’t ideal for them.

I spent so long defining my happiness based of the envy of others that I just went down this spiral of self-loathing when things didn’t work out. Now I’m more honest about my stuff. Yeah I’d love a caring, pure, Godly relationship. It’s soemthing I deeply desire, but I’m not gonna rush. Spent too much time rushing around instead of doing what Jesus said to do. “Be still and know that I am God.”

Sometimes things become clear when we just….shut up and listen to what’s on our hearts and minds. I mean God gave us those for a reason right?