Sup y’all? So I have a story to share. This is the story of how by God’s grace I got clean from self-harm. Over a decade ago I started cutting, my dad as a psychiatrist who people asked why didn’t he see what I was going through. Pretty simple actually. People don’t want to see their kids in pain and I wasn’t about to let myself be examined, the whole sit on my couch and tell me how you feel stuff.
So I hid the pain I was in, years went by. In my early twenties I started up again. Emotional pain and opening my heart only to feel the sharp sting of rejection. I searched through faith groups for a “good girl” what I got was an ex that was super clingy and controlling. Through relationships or the search for them the knives were my companion.
Wish I could say there was a moment that everything changed that was found in a healthy way. But honestly? I was told that I wasn’t worth five minutes of time let alone the gas to drive to and come talk with me. I was in college at the time… I longboarded home, grabbed a bottle of vodka and when I got home I drank. And drank, and drank some more. I decided that I’d make some calls and if nobody picked up I’d finish the bottle and use the knife to end my life.
Thankfully a friend picked up. He listened. I made a decision that night. To throw the knives I had into a drainage canal. Over the next year I asked God who He saw me as? There was a conference in Montana where things changed. SALT, student activist leadership training. There’s this joke with SALT. Singles arive, leave together.
To be honest, there was a girl I had a crush on at the time. She’s married now. Though to be honest most of the people I went to this conference with I don’t talk with anymore. Legitimately only two people remain in my circle of friends. The campus minister I learned and heard about God from died recently…
This conference was prior to my birthday three years ago. Went down in Dillon Montana on January the 15th through to the 18th. Keep in mind I’d been asking God who do you see me as for about a year now. There was this “class” I guess you’d call it. Baptism of The Holy Spirit, to be honest it felt like New Age stuff. Like people would magically learn to speak in tongues. That’s what some people were looking for. Me? I was still asking who God saw me as.
We moved from an auditorium into a classroom. I remember people praying about all kinds of things. So many voices and all I could think of was a song by Casting Crowns. The voice of Truth. I began praying myself, I referred to God in every name for God that spoke to my soul. Yeshua Yuri, God who provides. I just….had an open heart I guess. We took a break from prayer and I still remember being immediately hit with just waves of venom. Negativity, self-hate, just waves of spiritual warfare.
I remember bowing my head again, and just making I am statements. If any of y’all have seen Troy then there’s this scene where Achilles inspires his allies and they begin thumping their spears against the deck of the ship. That’s what I did. “I am a good brother.” My fist hit the floor. Thump, thump thump. “I am a good son, I am a leader, I am called to greatness, I am brutally honest, I am covered by His blood, I am enough, I am loved.” Over and over I said these things and every time my fist hit the floor. Thump, thump, thump.
Finally… “I am Hupernikao.” Something just clicked in my head and soul. Hupernikao is who God saw me as. Hupernikao is a Greek word. It means to claim an overwhelming or overpowering victory. Several months after this revelation I got the word Hupernikao tattooed on my left wrist. The place I’d originally started cutting.
I remember I was just overwhelmed with the presence of God and I was a gross, snotty, crying mess. It was beautiful. I got the tattoo in July 26th of 2016. Months after this revelation to me.
I took a picture of the day I got the tattoo done. I also prayed while I was getting this tattoo. That God would make it physically impossible for me to cut again. That there would be a spiritual barrier against it with this on my wrist. That I would use this tattoo as a way to share my story with others. Got this tattoo in 2016. I’d stopped cutting prior to the tattoo so going on 4 years clean from self harm.
Holy Water, Burning Man 