4th of July aftermath

So I’m back in action y’all. Finally got internet hooked up at the new place and it’s July 5th. Means lots of explosions last night, quite a few people drinking including myself. I happened to shoot some photography of the fireworks show. From what I heard, Boise dropped a nice even million bucks on explosives.

Should’ve hired me instead. Kidding totally kidding. I’ve been feeling like those explosives a lot recently. Chemically imbalanced, wired to blow and everyone seems to think it’s a great idea to be tossing the electronic detonators around like a football.

To say I’ve got a short fuse would be a lie. At least anymore, I’m great at bullshitting the people in my life I desperately want to keep around. It’s my own screwed up way of keeping myself “safe” emotionally. Meanwhile I’m in the kitchen of my mind with a blender creating ever more unstable chemical cocktails that go boom in a magnificent way.

I have a very long fuse. Perks and the curse of the way my memory holds onto emotional pain. I went off on my friend the other day when we went to get gas and some wood for my new outdoor firepit. Over missing a chance to get the number of a girl that was twerking while looking at me at a gas station. I mean what the hell? That’s what I’m at, I’ve been hurt so many times when I’ve peeled away the masks and been real with women. Now I get mad over the loss of a freaking potential booty call?

I’ve been seeing a counselor but I feel like I’m still not where I need to be. Still dealing with pain caused by those women I let the masks fall away for. My ex hit me up the other night and wanted to chat on Instagram. That conversation was blocked very quickly on my end. The fireworks were going off while I was shooting photography last night and all I could think was it’s only a matter of time til I go off like that. Until all that’s left is ash and smoke… I hurt, deep in my soul I hurt far more than I ever let people know.

Meanwhile I’m busy in the circus of my mind’s eye unraveling det cord, and trying to more or less safely disarm the freakshow of emotional rockets, mortars, and other emotional explosives…