Strange to look back and see a map of your life. The different choices and roads you’ve made and traveled. Leading me back here. Addiction gave way to healing, healing led to relationships. The only two of any length, both ended badly. The first I became a possession. Someone to be controlled and watched.
The second started good. Grew into a relationship I met your kids, slept with you. Gave my love, myself, my finances away. Looking back I realized I was seen as a checkbook. Someone to have a withdrawal made from whenever.
The irony is after all this went down? I’m still the same person at heart, a good man, caring, loyal, devoted. More guarded? Absolutely, I’d be a fool not to be. That being said. I still believe in love, in finding love. So here I sit, rap beats, a dark room, pen and paper scratching my thoughts into a well-worn notebook. Realizing that even if this doesn’t work out. I’ll still be the same guy I’ve always been.
So for now I soak up the six hour facebook messenger video calls, enjoying the little nose crinkle you do when I make you smile or laugh. The still innocent way you cover or bury your face in blankets when I make you blush. I’m still a caring, loyal man. The world has perhaps tinted the way I act. Yet I doubt it’ll ever truly change me into a dark version of myself. After all prayer is there for a reason right?
Holy Water, Burning Man 